BAD FOR ME: A Lords of Chaos MC Novel Page 3

  “I’m fine, Nova. I just don’t like them around. They cause trouble for everyone.”

  “Okay.” I throw my hands in the air. “If you say so.” I decide not to push him about the matter anymore. Instead, I finish my sushi as quickly as I can and then chug down some water.

  Men suck at hiding their emotions. I saw the way he reacted when that gang came around. He can’t hide that, but now I’m curious about why he got so tense when they drove by.

  I mean, yeah, my stomach drops when I hear the growls and grumbles of their bikes and see them riding by, but I don’t vice-grip other people’s hands and go pale the way Ellis just did.

  Something’s up with him and that club.

  Something he most definitely isn’t telling me.

  FOUR

  After my shift, I drive to Ellis’ house. I agreed that I’d come see him afterward since lunch was kind of short. Not only that, but Mr. Welder was pissing me off about the edits for the images and I could use a good lay right now.

  I only have to knock once before Ellis swings the door open with a lopsided smile. “Worked late, I see,” he murmurs.

  “Had a few images to finish up, but you understand the grind, right?”

  He smirks. “Of course, I do.” He lets me inside. “I made your favorite. Peach margarita, double shot of tequila.”

  “You did? Oh, my gosh, you’re so amazing.” I waltz my way to the kitchen, spotting tall margarita glasses on the counter filled with frozen yellowish-orange slush. I pick one up, take a sip, and then sigh. He only makes these on occasion. “I swear you make the best margaritas. Drink with me.”

  Ellis strides into the kitchen and then stands across from me, pressing his back to the edge of the counter. “Nah, I’ll probably have a beer later or something. Made those for you.”

  That’s the thing about Ellis. He doesn’t drink, which is fine because I don’t drink much either, but it’s just strange to me because I’ve never even seen him pick up a beer, let alone spotted one in his fridge.

  I hop up on the countertop, disregarding the thought, and looking at him as I take another sip of my drink. He gives me a sweep of his eyes before taking the two steps it takes to get closer to me.

  “Have I told you how much I like you?” he asks, pressing his palms on the counter, on either side of my hips.

  “No,” I murmur, grinning. “Not that I recall.”

  “I think that’s bullshit,” he chuckles.

  “Well, Mr. Butler, how much do you like me?”

  “A lot,” he mumbles on my lips. “Too much, honestly.”

  I pick my drink up a bit and lean back just enough to take another sip. “Why?” I ask, and I really am curious, but I may also be deflecting a bit.

  “Well,” he sighs, pushing himself up by the hands to stand straight. “You’re different, and I like that about you. You have a tough exterior, but inside you’re soft and sweet and gentle.”

  I can’t ignore the heat that creeps up from my neck to my cheeks. I avoid his eyes. I’m not used to compliments like that. In all honesty, compliments make me uncomfortable.

  “Nova,” Ellis says in a calm but serious voice, bringing a hand up to tip my chin. “Look at me.”

  I place my margarita down and slowly lift my chin, meeting his shimmering green eyes. “I think you are so beautiful and so precious. I mean, I feel like if I don’t hang onto you, I’ll end up losing myself all over again. I’ll lose you, and the last thing I want right now is to lose another person.”

  “Ellis—”

  “No. Please, just listen,” he says, cutting me off midsentence, and I can’t help but notice the tick in his jaw. I fidget on the countertop. “I’ve been thinking about selling this house and getting away, but I’d hate to go alone.”

  I swallow hard. “So…what are you saying?”

  “I want you to come with me,” he urges, smiling. He cups my face in his large hands. “I want you to see the world with me. Travel with me. Let’s go places—get the hell out of Nirvana and make something else of ourselves. I was considering social media photography. You have the eye and I am good with business. We could build that up as we travel, you know? Create a new world and eventually make a great income from it.”

  Wow.

  I don’t even know what to say.

  I mean, of course I should decline, but the hopeful light in his eyes is what’s killing me. He’s thought about this. He’s thought about it long and hard, and that alone makes me feel like the worst bitch on the planet because my automatic response will be to reject him.

  “Ellis,” I coo. I inhale deeply before exhaling. There’s hope in those green eyes, blooming like a fresh flower in spring. How can I possibly be the woman who crushes that?

  Instead of telling him how I really feel about his proposition—how panicked the idea of running away with him makes me—I cup the back of his head and bring his lips to mine.

  He moans as I kiss him, and immediately drops his hands to cup my waist.

  It’s enough for now. I know he’ll circle back to this topic, but hopefully he’ll fall asleep soon, and I can sneak out and save it for another day—a day when I’ve had time to think about it.

  He brings a hand up and palms one of my breasts, giving it a tender massage, and then groans as he drops his hands and picks me up off the counter. A moan escapes me as he carries me through the kitchen and into his bedroom, and when my back hits the bed, I sigh, watching as he lowers down until he’s above my pelvis. He unbuttons my shorts and tugs them down, and then slips his fingers beneath the waistband of my panties, tugging those down too.

  I don’t even fight it. One thing Ellis is, is a good lover. I’m sure he had plenty of practice at it with his wife. He knows where to touch, where to kiss, and even where to lick. He knows when to be gentle and when to be aggressive. He knows exactly how to get my body riled up and desperate for him to be inside me.

  I know what you’re thinking. If he’s so great, why not just run off with the man? Well, it’s because I’m Nova Almaraz. In a sense, I am like my mother, though I despise even comparing myself to her. But it’s true, and I have accepted that.

  I don’t like commitment.

  I like a little stability and routine in my life—like how I have a job and an apartment for me and Silas—but as far as keeping my freedom, I love that even more. I don’t like the idea of settling down with one man for the rest of my life. All my life, I’ve wanted to be the girl who lives life her way, and not how others want me to.

  Going with Ellis means giving him all of me and to be perfectly honest, I don’t have that in me. I was tied down before, spending so many years with people who didn’t even want me around, and whenever they did, it was to use me. Now that I’ve escaped that, I can’t go back to being shackled.

  It sounds so selfish, but this is who I am, and I know that deep down, Ellis knows it too. He should know better than to think, even if I agreed, whatever this is we have would last. It wouldn’t. It would turn our little relationship to havoc.

  So, for now, I relish in the fact that this handsome man is between my legs, eating me like I’m the sweetest fruit on earth. I enjoy his groans and grunts and the way his muscles move fluidly after he’s finished me off, just to slide his hungry cock between my legs.

  For now, we are okay…but I know that later, we won’t be.

  * * *

  I expected Ellis to be asleep by now, but clearly the same thing that’s been running through my mind, is running through his.

  I shift on my side of the bed, staring up at the revolving ceiling fan. Ellis sighs.

  “You don’t want to go, huh?” His deep voice fills the bedroom, and I draw in a deep breath before exhaling. I flip onto my side and look at him, and he does the same.

  We’re face-to-face. Eye-to-eye.

  “You want me to be honest?” I ask.

  “I always want your honesty.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to run off to
gether.”

  “Why not?” he asks, his voice still calm.

  “Because you know how I am, Ellis. If I ever run off, I don’t want it to be because a guy made me, you know? Or even because he asked me to. I also want to be ready for that and, frankly, I’m really not ready for that to happen. I’m stacking my money here and building what I can so that when I do want to run off and expand my life, I’ll be ready for it.”

  “Well…you wouldn’t have to look at it as rebuilding. I have money,” he murmurs. “Mary’s life insurance. I still have forty thousand from that, and money I have saved for wild ideas like this—to run away.”

  He smiles.

  I smile.

  “I just…I don’t want to hurt you, Ellis.” I reach for his hand. “I don’t want to settle down right now.”

  He presses his lips but holds my eyes. “You could at least consider it more before rejecting, Nova.” He turns onto his back and yanks his hand out of mine as he looks up at the ceiling. “It was worth a shot, though, right?”

  “Why do you want to leave so badly?” I ask, taken completely off-guard by his change of mood.

  He gives the ceiling an empty stare. “I’m just tired of living in the same sad place. Everything in this house reminds me of what I had with Mary.” He turns his head to look at me, and his face is softer. He takes a breath. “Guess I just need a change.”

  “I get that.”

  “I’m also getting old,” he chuckles, and when I spot his perfect teeth, I feel warmth course through me. He has such a beautiful smile.

  “Who cares if you’re getting old? You’re still hot.” I sit up and climb on top of him. I press my lips to his and he sighs before groaning, palming my ass in his hands.

  When our lips part, he looks me deep in the eyes while bringing a hand up to push my hair back.

  “What?” I giggle. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

  He traces the back of his hand down my cheek. “I love you, Nova,” Ellis says, and my heart drops as I stare right back at him, my smile immediately fading. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I do. And I know I said I hadn’t gotten to the love territory with you yet, but I only said that because I knew you’d react to it negatively.”

  I pull back, climbing off his lap, and turning away to sit on the edge of the bed. “Um…” I bring my hands up and shove my hair back with my fingers.

  The bed dips behind me as Ellis slides closer. “I would do anything for you. I really would. I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you because you’re fresh and different and you challenge me, and at this point in my life, I need that.”

  “Ellis, please.” I pull away and scramble off the bed.

  “What, Nova? It’s the truth!” he calls after me. I shake my head and pick up the pieces of my clothes from his floor. “You’re so afraid of being loved, but if you’d just let me show you—”

  “No, Ellis!” I stand tall with my clothes clutched to my chest. “I am not afraid of being loved, okay? I’m not afraid of anything, so don’t throw your philosophical bullshit at me!”

  Ellis climbs off the bed as I hastily start getting dressed. “Nova, just fucking think about it, will you?” he snaps, watching me tug my shirt over my head.

  “What is there to think about, El? I don’t want to run away and travel right now! I don’t want to settle down right now! I mean, for fuck’s sake, I’m only twenty-seven! I haven’t even figured out who I am yet! How is that fair to me?”

  His throat bobs as he swallows. His jaw ticks for the second time tonight. Dropping his head, he sits on the edge of the bed, and I sigh, feeling like the world’s biggest bitch.

  “I have Silas to think about too, El,” I say in a broken voice. “I—I mean, it would be selfish as hell of me to just leave him like that.” I walk over to him and grab his hands. “I really like you, and you know that. I just…I don’t think we are on the same page right now, and if I went with you, it would never work. We have to be on the same page. With something as big as packing up and running off, we’d both have to be ready.”

  He nods and pulls his hands away.

  My eyes burn as I look down at his hands and then back up at him, but he refuses to look at me. I blink the emotion away and step back. “I’m going home. You should get some sleep.”

  “Yeah. ’Kay.”

  I watch him a moment. He’s still avoiding my eyes. With a sigh, I turn away and walk out of the bedroom. I pick my bag up from the counter and go right out the front door.

  When I make it inside my car, I grip the steering wheel and press my forehead to it, drawing in several deep breaths and letting them all go. After I feel calm enough to drive, I start the car and pull out of Ellis’ driveway.

  As I drive, I can’t help thinking there is something off about this night. I don’t know if it’s because I just gave Ellis the biggest rejection ever, or if it’s because there is a full moon out and weird things always happen with full moons in Nirvana.

  I notice a single headlight in my rearview mirror when I look up and immediately freeze in my seat. I stop at a red light, listening to the rumbling of the bike’s engine behind me. The headlight is so bright I can’t make out who’s on the bike.

  When the light flashes green, I peel off, keeping an eye on the biker. My heart pounds faster as I drive through the city. When I make the turn for my neighborhood, a sigh of relief coaxes its way out of me when the biker keeps riding by. I look back, but I still can’t make out if it was one of The Lords or just some random guy on a motorcycle.

  As soon as I park in front of my apartment building, I collect my bag and my camera and rush up the stairs until I’m on the third floor. I unlock the front door and then press the lock button on my car’s key fob.

  Sighing, I walk through the dark living room and flip the light switch on in the kitchen, dropping my things on the counter. When I look up, though, a sharp gasp breaks from my lungs and I lurch back.

  “What the fuck, Silas!” I scream. He’s standing in front of the window. “What the hell are you doing?” I snap as he turns around.

  He turns to look at me. “Was waiting for you to get home,” he answers.

  “Why?” I ask, confused. “You never wait up for me.”

  “I don’t know. I guess I was worried.”

  I collect another much-needed breath and wave it off. “Whatever. I’m going to take a shower.”

  “Okay.”

  I leave the kitchen, but as I round the corner, I watch Silas turn and face the window, peeking out again.

  FIVE

  I hope whomever invented the idea of working to make a living is rotting in hell. A person shouldn’t have to kill themselves daily at a job they don’t care for, just to pay the bills, let alone wonder if they’ll get their check in time to pay the water bill before it’s shut off.

  If I was alive back then (in the form of a man, of course, because men were taken more seriously back then), I would make it so that dreams are the way to make a living. Figure out your dream, have the proper materials to achieve that dream—with financial assistance offered by the government, of course—and then soar. A little too extreme? Maybe. But it would have helped.

  Life would be so much easier if our lowly human lives were assisted. Instead, we scrounge for every penny we can get, pay mortgages and car loans, and consider that the norm.

  That is not the fucking norm, and as soon as I can escape this crappy, poisonous life of debt and broke-ness, I will be a happy woman—the kind of woman who takes no shit and lives her life the way she wants. But, of course, that all starts with a dream.

  And speaking of dreams, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Ellis at all. I crushed his dreams last night—left him alone in a bedroom he used to share with a wife he loved.

  I don’t even know what to think of what happened last night. I was nervous, that’s for sure. I can’t do commitments like that. The last time I had a boyfriend, I was seventeen years ol
d and it only lasted for a month. It was while I was dating him that I realized being tied to one guy at such a young age wasn’t ideal for me.

  I mean, do I want to get married one day? Yes, of course. I want a life partner who gets me. But at this point in my life, I don’t think it would be ideal to run off with an older man just because he wants me to. It’s not what I want. The things I have control over are what I do with my time, my body, and my dreams. Even though I admire Ellis, I can’t stoop or settle, just to make him happy. He’s a big boy. He’ll respect it and understand.

  “Oh, my gosh! You’re still here?” Crissy pops her head into my office, her brown eyes wide behind her rectangular glasses.

  “Yeah,” I sigh with a nod, looking up from my computer. “I’m finishing the edits for the autumn column and then I’ll be out of here. Just two more images to go.”

  Crissy’s hair is frizzy and unruly like it always is at the end of the day. Though I wouldn’t consider this the end of a usual day. We’re working overtime.

  We usually work together to get a few tasks done for our shithead of a boss, Mr. Welder, so we don’t have to work on weekends. I swear, I can’t wait to be able to invest more time in my photography business. Once it kicks off, I won’t have to take photos for anyone else and I’ll be able to create my own schedule. I call my little side hustle photography business Spirit Shoots, because having a free spirit is fucking liberating.

  Unfortunately, I only really started getting into building my own brand last year. I don’t have many clients yet because I spend so much time working for this magazine. I have a few repeat clients who always need images or selfies for social media, but it’s not enough for me to run free just yet, hence the reason I work for this shitty e-magazine. One day you’ll get there, Nova. One day.

  “Yeah, well, when you’re done, you should definitely go home and get some rest,” Crissy says, walking into the office, and plopping down with a clipboard in hand. “You’ve been going non-stop this week.”